Author Archive


Posted on September 26, 2011 - by

What Makes it Stick?

We were delighted to be commissioned for a third TV drama pilot by Redroofs Theatre School. Once again, the 30 minute drama was directed by Rupert Such (EastEnders, Casualty, The Bill) and screened at BAFTA in 2011.

Here’s an excerpt from the piece – it’s a great monologue.

What Makes it Stick?

Keen & Pandini | 2011

[…]

IMOGEN runs the Speed Dating night. She is standing in the corridor waiting for her last few daters to arrive. IMOGEN is to speed dating what David Brent is to stationery. Unsuited. She is quite fierce, unsentimental, says the wrong thing and scares people. Her phone rings. She answers it with a deep sigh.

IMOGEN:
What? (PAUSE) Good. Sort the stuff out. Divide it into piles. Build a wall down the middle of the bedroom for all I care. (PAUSE) Yes, I know you are threatening to leave me. But couldn’t you just text it? I’m working you know? (PAUSE) What? Typical? Typical of me to be working while you sit around all day playing Death Slaughter Psycho Mayhem Four? Yes, isn’t it.

IMOGEN walks a little way down the corridor looking for daters. No one. She looks at her watch.

IMOGEN:(CONT’D)
Pardon? Yes I am listening. I just haven’t got time for this right now. (PAUSE) No, I don’t know where your World of War DVDs are. Next to the pile of cookery books? Hang on.

JAKE and BEN appear at the end of the corridor. They walk up to IMOGEN. IMOGEN covers the mouth piece on the phone and turns on the charm. It almost works but she can’t quite get the sincere smile thing right.

IMOGEN:(CONT’D)
Hello boys! Here for the speed dating? Lovely, do go in.

IMOGEN points BEN and JAKE to the door of the room, then turns and walks away.

IMOGEN
Tasty Road Kill for Carnivores. No? Well if they aren’t by the cookery books I don’t know… (PAUSE) Shit, do we have to do this now? (PAUSE) Fine. Fine, fine, fine. OK. I get it. I’m not showing you enough attention, you are a romantic soul who needs to be loved and I’m failing you – although quite when I am supposed to show all this affection I don’t know. (PAUSE) What I mean is, you’re always shooting or hunting or slaughtering or mortal combatting, aren’t you, so how am I suppose… (PAUSE) Whatever. OK. Keep them all. Put them in your special pile. Except the films I need for work. You can have all the sodding DVDs… (PAUSE) Yes! Even the history of slasher movies. But I need my work films. (PAUSE) Brief Encounter, Notting Hill, Love Actually and Titanic. Touch those and you’re a dead man.

IMOGEN hangs up and storms down the corridor.

[…]


Posted on September 26, 2011 - by

Remain Seated

After the success of Fish and Chips Twice, we wanted to experiment more with short theatre scripts. Writing for a 15 minute running time has many of the challenges of the short story – it’s a sparse format, often performed on a bare stage, and really focuses your attention on the power and energy of every single word of dialogue.

This it taken from the final draft of the script.

Remain Seated

Keen & Pandini | 2010

[…]

JUDITH:
Oh there’s no need to apologies to me. I’ve actually heard swear words before you know, dear.

BRIAN:
Still, don’t want to cause offence, do I? End up like Mike. He used to drive the Three Day Mystery of Loch Ness Mini Tour.

JUDITH:
Did he offend the monster?

BRIAN:
Nah. Worse. Patchy. Mr Peters. Comes with us ever year, does Patchy. God, he’s hard work. Questions, questions, questions. I had him on Wordsworth’s Lakes. I mean, do I look like I know whether they are the same friggin variety of daffodils as in Wordsworth’s time? No I bleeding don’t. Still. Mike was way out of line.

JUDITH:
Patchy?

BRIAN:
Yeah. I mean, God knows it must be tough for you older folks. Body giving up and all that. But believe me, there are some places that you just can’t make a toilet stop every five minutes. I mean, take the A303. Wonders of Wiltshire. Stonehenge and all that shit. Sorry. Stuff. Bloody miles before you can let them out.

JUDITH:
So, Mr Peters has bladder control issues?

BRIAN:
I should say. Which combined with Mike’s self-control issues proved to be unfortunate. Patchy’s giving him the third degree about Awld Nessie there – how many sightings? What time of day? Were they all by Americans? – that kind of thing and Mike’s just had enough and tells him.. Well he tells him to piss off doesn’t he? And Patchy’s so offended that he does. If you catch my meaning.

JUDITH:
I do.

[…]


Posted on September 26, 2011 - by

Powers Flowers

Whilst working on this SitCom concept, we heard about SitCom Saturdays – a project by RealDeal Theatre. We produced a 15 minute version of an episode of Powers Flowers and were pleased to have it selected for a rehearsed reading in 2009. This pilot was well received and the reading gave us great feedback as we continued to develop the concept.

In 2011, the Powers Flowers Christmas Special was selected from a number of sitcoms to be included in the RealDeal tour and was performed at venues across London.

Powers Flowers – Christmas

Keen & Pandini | 2010

[…]

FINSBURY:
This lady has to come in, Mr Powers.

MARY:
I’m sorry. I know you’re closing early, but I really need somewhere to sit down. I’m eight months pregnant and I’ve come over all faint. Can I wait here until I’m feeling a bit more stable?

DAVID:
Well, you’re welcome to join us, but I won’t be able to let you out again. We’re on terror alert. We have to stay here until further notice. Here, sit down.

MARY sits.

MARY:
I wondered why the streets were so quiet and everywhere was locked. I couldn’t find anywhere that would let me in. I was supposed to be meeting Joe – my boyfriend – at the tube station, but it was closed for some reason.

EMMA:
They must have closed the whole of London down.

MARY:
Oh no. Now what am I going to do? I’ll try to phone Joe again.

MARY presses some keys on her mobile phone.

MARY: (CONT’D)
Hello Joe, it’s me again. Apparently there’s some terror alert and every where’s been closed off. I’m in a flower shop on Bath Street. I’m not allowed to leave. I’ll try you later.

MARY ends the phone call.

EMMA:
Are you ok?

MARY:
I could be better. I’m not even supposed to be in London. Joe came up to see his accountant in Shepherds Bush. He was trying to sort out his tax returns before Christmas. I thought I’d come up and surprise him.

EMMA:
Ah. That’s nice. Where do you live?

MARY:
In Dorset. I run a donkey sanctuary.

EMMA:
Cool. What about Joe?

MARY:
Oh, he has his own business. He’s a car painter. It gives us enough money to run the sanctuary. Oh, I’m Mary, by the way.

EMMA:
Hi Mary. I’m Emma. This is David and Finsbury.

DAVID:
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute. (VERY SLOWLY AS HE PIECES IT ALL TOGETHER) You’re called Mary. Your boyfriend’s called Joe. He’s a carpenter. You’re heavily pregnant. You have something to do with donkeys…

MARY:
He’s a car painter. He paints cars.

[…]


Posted on August 15, 2010 - by

Recorded for Training Purposes

As you will guess reading our site, Radio 4 forms a big part of our lives – as writers and as normal, well-informed, euridite human beings.

We submitted our two-part sketch Diplomatic Relations for this flagship comedy series in, um… well it seems a long time ago now.

We were pleased as punch to have them accepted, over the moon to have them recorded and, well, Andy nearly fell off the sofa when the recorded versions were included in the broadcast show this Summer.

Diplomatic Relations

Keen & Pandini | 2010


MINISTER:
Good Morning, Prime Minister Chamberlain. I have word from our Ambassador in Germany.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Go on.

MINISTER:
German troops have invaded Poland.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
I see. Our worst fears, Simkins.

MINISTER:
Indeed, Prime Minister. What shall I tell our Ambassador?

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
I think it’s time to talk to Mister Hitler directly. Send a telegram telling him to withdraw his troops immediately.

MINISTER:
Um,Ok..

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Is there a problem?

MINISTER:
It’s just .. won’t that look a bit desperate? If we come straight out with it like that? He might think we really want him to withdraw his troops.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
But we do really want him to withdraw his troops.

MINISTER:
Yes. But we don’t want him to know that. He’ll think we’re too needy.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
You’re right. We want to give the impression that we have lots of other people’s troops to worry about and that we’re just having a casual chat. Nothing serious. Send the following: “DON’T DO IT ADOLPH STOP”

MINISTER:
The stop sounds quite serious.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
It’s punctuation, Simkins. Punctuation is always serious. Put an exclamation mark instead. That should sort things out.

MINISTER:
Very well, Sir.

FX: Minister leaves the room. Door closes.

FX: Minister opens door and walks into the room.

MINISTER:
Good evening, Prime Minister. It is much later in the day than when we last spoke.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Isn’t it? I hear that Mister Hilter has only just replied?

MINISTER:
Yes.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
And you’ve been waiting by the machine? You’re sure you didn’t miss an earlier message?

MINISTER:
Quite sure, Sir.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
So, what does he say?

MINISTER:
“Nein.”

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
What?

MINISTER:
It’s just a number nine, sir. Or more precisely, a number nine followed by a semi-colon, a dash and a bracket.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Which bracket?

MINISTER:
Closing.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Ah. I see.

MINISTER:
Do you know what it means?

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Absolutely no idea. Answer him and ask what the devil he means.

MINISTER:
But sir, then he will know that we don’t understand.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
But we don’t understand.

MINISTER:
But whatever we do, we don’t want him to know that, do we?

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Whatever

MINISTER:
Exactly

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
No. “Whatever.” That’s our answer. Casual and doesn’t give too much away. I’m definitely getting the hang of this diplomacy business, Simkins.

MINISTER:
Indeed. But, well, it’s gone 10 o’clock now sir. Should we wait until the morning?

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Usually I would agree Simkins but this is very serious. The stability of international relations is at stake. If we wait until the morning to send the message, I might have gone off it. We will have to take the risk of appearing slightly rude and inconsiderate. Send the message immediately. “Whatever.” I think that makes our feelings perfectly clear.

MINISTER:
As you wish. Shall I put “LOL” at the end?

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
What does that mean?

MINISTER:
No idea, Sir, but President Roosevelt always puts it.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Well we should be putting it too then. Send the telegram Simkins and then switch off the machine. There’s no point staying up all night looking at it.

MINISTER:
Quite so. Mister Hitler will probably be in bed anyway. I’ll switch it back on in the morning.

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN:
Yes. I doubt very much we’ll hear from him before 11.


Posted on May 16, 2010 - by

The Other Side

This was our second TV drama for Redroofs Theatre School.
The 30 minute pilot-style drama was directed by Rupert Such (EastEnders, Casualty, The Bill) and screened at BAFTA in 2010.

From the script:

The Other Side

Keen & Pandini | 2010

[…]

GEMMA:
We had a lovely chat. I learnt a lot. Poor girl.

MIKE:
(MIKE abandons all attempts at self-control at this point)
Poor girl? Are you mad? She’s a gold-digging slapper and how you can think that her motives are anything other than malicious I don’t know…

GEMMA:
You said you’d support her. You told her you loved her.

MIKE:
See? Money. That’s what she’s after. God, I wish I’d never met her that night. She’s been after my wallet all this time and…

GEMMA:
She wants to train to be a nurse, for Christ’s sake. She isn’t after your millions to fund her crack habit. You told her you loved her.

MIKE:
I may have mentioned it. I didn’t mean it. I love you.

GEMMA:
But you loved her? And you didn’t even tell her we had met, let alone that we were getting married?

MIKE:
It was none of her business.

GEMMA:
She has enrolled for the nursing course. Because she thought she could count on you.

MIKE:
And I thought I could count on you, Gemma. But it seems I can’t. God, we’ve only been married eight hours and already you’re taking sides against me with some girl you don’t know, I don’t care about and who, sure as hell, doesn’t care about you.

GEMMA:
She cared enough to tell me the truth. Which is more than

MIKE:
So you think I should have told you? It would have hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you.

GEMMA:
I would have dealt with it. But now I have to deal with the fact that you are a coward.

MIKE:
You really are taking her side in this, aren’t you? Falling for the ‘poor little me’ routine?

GEMMA:
I don’t think it was a routine. She, she knew stuff about you. Stuff I knew. Stuff I thought I was the only person who did know. And she had the guts to come up here and tell me.

MIKE:
So. So what now? Are you leaving?

GEMMA:
That’s typical. You would only think in terms of giving up straight away. No. No, I’m not leaving. But I need to think.

GEMMA stands and moves towards the door. MIKE takes her words to mean that everything is alright and goes to touch her – looking to seduce rather than sympathise.

MIKE:
(whispers in an attempt to be seductive)
I knew you’d come round to my side, Peachy.

GEMMA slaps MIKE in the face.

GEMMA:
I’m not on your side. And I’m not on hers. I’m on my side. That’s the truth.


Posted on February 3, 2010 - by

Newsjack

The problem with topical jokes is that, once they cease to be topical, they don’t make sense. Obviously, they remain utterly hilarious for those people who can remember the particular parliamentary scandal or overly publicised celebrity misdemeanour on which they were based…but if you can’t remember. Well. Not so funny.

Here are a couple of our more timeless submissions for BBC Radio 7’s Newsjack.

Vox Pops

Keen & Pandini | 2010

Man in the street:
Apparently, last week was Food Allergy and Intolerance Week.
Personally, I think everyone with an allergy should be shot.


Man in the street:
No, I don’t think online piracy is something to worry about. I emailed a demand for two million dollars to a supertanker in the South Pacific last week and they haven’t even changed their Facebook status to ‘hijacked’ yet.


Posted on September 16, 2009 - by

Fish and Chips Twice

The Off Cut Festival is fantastic. It showcases new writing by inviting the submission of 15 minute stage scripts. Winning entries are then performed several times over a period and voted for by the audience and a panel of judges.

Fish and Chips Twice was our entry in 2009 and we were very happy to have it selected for performance from over 500 entries. Hooray for us!

Here’s a little taster from the script.

Fish and Chips Twice

Keen & Pandini | 2009

[…]

RACHEL:
Doesn’t that make it a strange choice then? Of location? Somewhere you think is beautiful and that made you happy? Talk about making it hard for yourself – no wonder you sat back down again. Now, if you were somewhere you really hated – wouldn’t that be easier? Give you a bit more encouragement?

KEITH:
I don’t need encouragement.

RACHEL:
No, no, I know but you see my point? Why aren’t you doing the deed at your least favourite place?

KEITH:
Because I suspect that the landlady of the Bay View Bed and Breakfast in Birmingham would object.

RACHEL:
There isn’t a bay in Birmingham.

KEITH:
There wasn’t any breakfast and you couldn’t call that flea-infested plank a bed, either, so I can only conclude that accuracy was not a prime concern for them. I hate Birmingham. Annie hated Birmingham.

[…]


Posted on June 26, 2009 - by

Inside Out

Every year, sudents at Redroofs Theatre School produce a film and TV showcase. A number of original pieces are professionally filmed, directed and edited for a screening at BAFTA. We were commissioned to write a pilot-style TV drama for this showcase.

The Other Side

Keen & Pandini | 2010

[…]

A white transit van makes its way slowly up the drive and stops at the front of the building. On the side of the van we see the badly painted sign: TERRY JOBS ODD JOBS and underneath: NO JOBS TOO SMALL FOR JOBS.
TERRY gets out of the van and stretches his legs.
He’s joined by LITTLE BILLY and TAD. TERRY opens the back doors of the van to reveal buckets, cloths and ladders.

TERRY:
Right lads – new contract. Let’s try and keep it for more than a week, shall we? No arsing around. No talking to the prisoners.

CASSIE and SAVANNA appear from a side door, and light up cigarettes. They see the boys and smile.

LITTLE BILLY:
Women’s prison.

TAD
Cool potatoes!

LITTLE BILLY and TAD high-five each other. TERRY shakes his head.

TERRY:
That was no talking to the prisoners, got it? No talking.

LITTLE BILLY:
Yeah, yeah, no talking. We heard you, Boss.

TAD
Message received.

TERRY:
Like it was ‘no talking’ to the nurses. Message didn’t exactly get through there, did it? So I’m just making sure that this time we’re all clear, alright? No talking. No shouting. No whistling. Nothing.

TAD and LITTLE BILLY exchange smirks

TERRY:(CONT’D)
And no sign language. Don’t even look at them. We need a good steady job and this is a regular gig if you two can manage to keep your noses clean for a bleeding change.

LITTLE BILLY:
Clean noses, clean windows, clean underwear, the works. Don’t you worry.

TERRY:
Yeah right, what have I got to worry about with you two monkeys around? Two hours. Two hours I left you at that bloody home. ‘Old people’, I thought ‘how much of a distraction can they be?’ So I nip off to the shops…

TAD
…betting ones, shall we say?

TERRY:
We’re not talking about me. I nip off to the shops, come back expecting to see twenty clean windows and find you two half cut in the staff room without so much as a damp shammy to show for your time…

TAD
Strictly speaking, there was a damp…

TERRY:
Don’t even finish that. It was wrong and I haven’t been able to watch Casualty since. We were lucky that one of them was the Sister or it would have been in the papers, I swear. Give me more grief than her indoors with her chuffin dog shows you two.

TAD
Are we actually doing this job or just listening to you all day?

TERRY:
Less of the cheek. I just don’t want any more incidents.

LITTLE BILLY:
Told you, don’t worry.

TERRY:
Don’t worry, he says. Go on, get on with it. I’ll be in the van. Not worrying.


Posted on May 26, 2009 - by

Average Cook

I think you’ll see where we are going with this one.

Take a look at this excerpt.

Average Chef

Keen & Pandini | 2009

VO:
It’s week 98 and the contestants have come together in the Average Cook kitchen to face their toughest challenge yet. Today they must prepare a normal dinner using only the ingredients that people really do have in their kitchens. It’s their toughest challenge yet.

BRUCE:
Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this boys. Gavin, you did well in the professional kitchen, Brenda was particularly impressed with your all day breakfast. But Bob really shone on the ingredients recognition test, correctly distinguishing between the BBQ and the Worcestershire Sauce crisps. So you’ve both got everything to play for today. It’s your toughest challenge yet.

GEORGE:
That’s right, my antipodean chef and media darling co-presenter. I’m looking to see some fantastically normal food today. Apples and pears. Dog and Bone.

BRUCE:
Yes, my cheeky cockney barrow boy assistant, we’ll be looking for something really normal. Outstandingly average. It’s going to be tough. Struth.

VO:
Ex City Banker, Gavin, hurriedly left his job in finance this year and is hoping to impress the judges with a cheese sandwich and a bag of chips from the chippy. But will his decision to use a multi-grain, organic loaf let him down?

[…]


Posted on September 26, 2008 - by

Bearded Ladies

First Day

Keen & Pandini | 2008

CAROL:
Well then, dear, are you ready for your first day?

MARK:
Yes, I think so.

CAROL:
You look ever so smart. I am so proud of you getting this new job.

MARK:
(EMBARRASED) Thanks.

CAROL:
Have you got your phone?

MARK:
Yes.

CAROL:
And your shiny new briefcase?

MARK:
(LOSING PATIENCE) Yes.

CAROL:
You’d better wear a scarf – it’s cold out.

MARK:
(CROSS) All right.

CAROL:
And don’t forget to call me to let me know you got there safely …

MARK:
I’m only going up the road!

CAROL:
Come and give me a big kiss then!

F/X: THEY KISS

CAROL:
Bye then darling.

MARK:
(RELIEVED) Bye. (PAUSE) Oh, Carol, I haven’t got my travelcard, do you know where it is?

CAROL:(FURIOUS) For God’s sake Mark, can’t you find it yourself? I’m not your Mother.